Be Honest With Your Needs - Not Just Your Wants

What do you need to thrive?

That sounds like kind of a loaded question and the answer really varies based on wherever you're doing right now.

What you need at 9.30 PM on a Friday is maybe some dessert if it's a hot summer evening and all you want is some ice cream or something cold to combat the summer heat.

If you're in a loud situation and you're feeling overwhelmed,

Maybe you need to relocate yourself or you need to move to somewhere that's quieter or you need headphones.

Maybe you want to stay, maybe you want to stay in this situation and make this sound less overwhelming, but what you actually need and what you want to do might be opposite of each

other.

How do you think about those things?

How can you try to reconcile what you actually want to do with what you need to do?

It's a challenging topic to talk about because the last thing that you want to do is be in a situation where you are extremely uncomfortable or in pain or some sort of significant

discomfort that can just be exhausting.

It could be so challenging to have to stick yourself out in a situation where you know you're having a bad time, but you have to be there for some reason.

There's a third distinction there.

There's wants and needs and

There's this whole idea of, I have to stay at this event because I have to network.

I have to get this person's contact information, their business card, even if it is in opposition with what I as an individual want to do and what I need to do.

How can you reconcile that internally and talk about it with other people, whether it's your team or your manager, your boss, or someone else who's in a position to actually help

you do something?

The first step towards this is thinking about yourself and being honest.

It's really tough, actually, to be honest with yourself because every individual has different levels of being stubborn.

I am absolutely a stubborn person.

And sometimes I'll stick it out in a situation that I have no business being in because what I actually want to do and what I need and have to do could be in completely different

directions from each other.

If I am doing something not work related, let's say that I'm running and it's really hot outside and I want to be social.

I want to be with other people and I want to feel like I'm a part of a community.

I actually might need to a step back and not do that run.

Maybe go for a run inside, maybe go when it's later because I'm not able to properly regulate the temperature.

I'm a little bit too hot.

I'm not able to get the right hydration and the

physical feeling of the sweat on my skin is overwhelming my ability to actually be social.

And at that point, what's the purpose of me attempting to be social if I am so focused on the way that that little drop of sweat is running down my forehead, over my nose, and onto

my chin?

That could be exhausting.

That can completely negate every other little thing that I'm doing and make it not even worth bothering.

to actually be social.

Or I can just say to myself, you know what?

I feel like today is not the for me to do this hot outdoor run.

I'm just going to pick another day of the week, or I'm going to do an indoor workout.

I'm going to go to the gym somewhere where I have the ability to control the temperature, or at least just have a water bottle right next to me, or have a sweat towel, something

else that allows me to be in control of situation and self accommodate with whatever is happening.

When you're on that hot outdoor run, you might not have the luxury of being able to just stop and go get some water, stop, go to the bathroom, take a pause.

If you're by yourself, maybe you can stop at a gas station or something.

If you're running with a group though, good luck with that because sometimes they'll just leave you behind as social and as friendly as these groups want to be.

That isn't always possible for you to stay in that situation.

Talking about you being with other people in a social setting though, it's the same sort of concept.

Maybe you want to go to that board game meetup.

Maybe all you want to do is talk about Silksong and Expedition 33 with people around you.

And that may be what you want to do, to be around other people and be in a scenario where people are bouncing off of your special interests.

But perhaps it's been a long and stressful day for you.

Maybe it was a long day at work.

Maybe school was really tough.

Maybe your family members or pets or friends were really overwhelming you and you don't have enough spoons or energy in a tank to actually

be the sort of person that you want to be.

And there's different things you can do about it.

You can choose to not engage in what you want, which can be draining in its own way, but at least it stops things from getting worse.

Another alternative could be to talk to people in that setting, in that gaming meetup or club or group and say, hey, I want to come to this today, but I really don't have the

energy to be super social.

So as much as I want to be a participant here,

I just might not be super active and super engaging with what's happening.

There's a difference there because on the one hand you have things that you as an individual are able to do.

You can choose to remove yourself from the equation.

You can choose to self-isolate, be a little antisocial, and withdraw from something.

And that may be to your advantage depending on what's happening.

It really varies based on the scenario.

If you know for a fact that you do not have the capacity to be social, to engage other people, humor them, make small talk, make a little chit chat, do whatever has to be done,

then maybe that's not the thing for you.

If you have limited capacity to do so, you certainly can, but you have to also be honest and ask yourself, what are the limits?

What are the bounds?

What are my actual understandings?

of what I'm able to accomplish.

Can I talk to somebody if they prompt or initiate a conversation?

Am I willing to be friendly back to them if they want to talk to me?

The answer to that, maybe yes.

You might be fine.

Great.

Let's go and have this conversation.

The answer can also be no.

I just want to sit here and I want to play my game in the presence of other people.

I don't necessarily want to talk to them.

I just want to be around them and maybe

Maybe I will find a time to come back to that level of energy and engage other people.

But now is not the time.

You may look at yourself and struggle to actually evaluate how much energy you have to give to a situation and what you're actually able to accomplish and whether or not what

you want and need to do is possible simultaneously.

You may say to yourself, I want to go out to a concert.

I want to go out to a group social activity.

I want to go do something today, but I might not actually have the energy to do that.

How do I know if I actually have the energy to do that?

The easiest way, which might also be difficult, but it will certainly be the most authentic and organic, would be to simply try it out and evaluate that for yourself.

And also build in an escape hatch or some sort of eject mechanism for you to be able to take a step back if you realize you don't have it to give.

That can take a lot of different forms.

Let's just say you say, I know that I'm going to go out to this social event.

But if I feel like I don't have the energy to go, I can request an Uber, Lyft, taxi and go home if I realize I just don't have the energy to actually contribute to this group right

now.

That's one possible escape hatch.

An Uber lift taxi is a great way to say, okay, I can go to this thing, but I have the luxury of being able to leave at any time if I am not able to participate or engage in a

way that I want to or in a way in which I feel the group is connecting or vibing with me.

Another alternative could be being in a situation and then studying the terms that with other people so they know, hey,

I'm gonna be here, this is my first time, or I don't have the right energy, or something else, and as a result, this is what you should expect from me as far as my engagement in

this.

And other people, whether it's group leaders, other participants, might also be able to help you figure out what that right level of balance is for what your engagement actually

looks like.

Some people show up and they take control, their leaders, they'll say, okay, we're gonna do...

this game today we're going to plan this activity some people are amazing at that and could also work with folks like yourself who might not have a lot of energy or might not

have the right state of mind to actually engage in something but they want to be in the presence of other people and that's okay it's totally okay to be able to say i want to be

around other people but don't necessarily have the ability to talk or engage

or be social, but I thrive off of their energy.

That's a valid thing to feel, experience, to go through that.

And you don't have to feel like you're being a burden to those people as long as you're very clear upfront with them and if they can accept you.

In some situations, you might come into a group or to an activity and they may not have the capacity for you to come in at a lower level of energy or commitment and just exist.

They might say,

minimum criteria for this is doing a game, participating in some form or fashion, or doing some specific thing.

And you just might not have that in you in this one time of day.

Now might not be the time for you.

And that's okay.

Maybe you'll come back when you actually have the right state of mind and the right energy and you can actually fully engage in the way that this event prescribes you to do so.

Alternatively, this format, this group, this whatever it is, might have different times when they're able to invite people who have maybe not as much energy, maybe just want a

vibe and chat and the format is different.

What's helpful to recognize here is understanding where you fall on that gradient.

Do you have what it takes to be flexible, to do something you haven't done before, to be social, to be talkative, to really vibe other people?

Or do you just want to be in other people's presence, but not necessarily engage or interact with them?

It can be painful to want to go to a meetup about a subject you're very passionate and very excited about.

Whether that's a Comic-Con, whether that's a orchestra for a video game, whether that's some sort of meetup, it could be D &D, gaming, crocheting, knitting, sports, it could be

anything you want to.

But the natures of those events often dictate some sort of parameters for how you engage, what the expectation is.

And it can be really challenging to want to...

share in that interest, share in that passion and have you other people, but not necessarily on the same terms as them.

If you're going to a meetup for let's call it a video game, you may be playing that game.

You might also be having a discussion about that game.

It really depends on EventbriteMeetup.com, Facebook, Instagram, and these places where events are hosted.

They typically specify what the parameters for the event are, what the

expectation is of participants.

And sometimes you can gloss over that and they can be like, oops, I didn't actually realize the deal.

And that happens and that's fine.

But you have to be ready to maybe do something that you weren't prepared for, that you weren't used to.

And know that you have to step up and figure out, okay, now that I'm here, what am I actually going to do?

Because it would be very straightforward for you to just say, okay, that wasn't actually what I wanted to do.

I'm gonna walk out of here.

And that's fine.

Your number one priority is to yourself.

These events, these groups, they come and go, some of them last for a very long time.

And you should not feel a burden to have to stick around just because you feel bad about leaving or not being able to stick around or having to go early.

Your priority is to yourself and to your mental health and to your well-being.

And if you just don't have the energy and the time to stick around for one evening, if you have to go, if you have things to do, if you just find this isn't the right format or

structure for you, if you need to leave and if you want to leave, then you should do that.

And you should not feel as though other people have the right to burden you with emotional guilt.

with sadness or frustration over you being able to stay or having to leave.

You have to take care of yourself.

Don't take other people's guilt onto you.

It's not fair to you.

And when it comes down to it, you just really want to be kind to yourself.

You want to be able to go to sleep and wake up the next day and be like, okay, I can tackle the things that I need to do.

I can go to my job because I need to do that.

I can have breakfast, lunch and dinner because I need to do those things.

And then the things that I need to do will allow me to do the things that I want to do.

Maybe you have a type of job which has a low amount of energy that doesn't actually take a lot out of you during the day.

So you can go to an activity or go to an event that maybe takes a little more energy from you.

Maybe is more of an investment.

Maybe takes some more spoons.

It's more moving parts, more of an orchestration, but you have balanced out the equation.

You can't spend resources that you don't have.

If you don't have the fuel in the tank, if you literally don't have the energy to go to do something, you're overextending yourself and you're only going to get hurt.

And you'll hurt yourself.

You might hurt other people.

That's the last thing you want to do.

You need to balance out both sides of the equation.

What comes in, what comes out.

And maybe some nights you'll go to bed and you'll still have some fuel in a tank, but you'll say to yourself, I'm glad I didn't stay out that night because I actually realized

it would have taken way more out of me.

I would have been the negatives.

I would have slept late and I would have missed the alarm for work.

That could have been really bad.

You have to be honest with yourself and ask.

what it's going to take, what it's going to cost for you to actually reconcile your needs and your wants.

If you can't do that, you need to think about those things.

And it helps to plan it out to over the long tail of time, because you can go into something and be like, okay, we're going to try it out this one time.

And I have padding, I have a buffer.

For example, you could go hop on a train to go to one event and meet with a train stops.

And so you'll have to actually get an Uber, Lyft or taxi home.

So you'll have to

plan for that and say, okay, I have to plan around me getting a taxi home.

need to budget this amount of time.

So I have to leave the event this early to do that so that I can go to sleep at this time, wake up and be ready to go.

This is not something that I can do for you, which is I want to be.

You have to look into yourself and reflect and ask yourself these costs, this formula.

What is it going to cost you to actually enable you to get to

your desires to what makes you happy.

Because that's what this is about, in a way.

You have your needs, that means that you have to do, and your wants.

And sure, maybe you feel that you need to play a silk song, Expedition 33, and that will make you very happy, energized, or excited.

So what in your life do you need to do to get to your wants, or get to the other needs?

You have to do your work, you have to get your chores done.

You have to eat, drink, sleep, exercise to get to the other needs or needs that can be a stretch.

And that's what it is about, being able to balance out those individual items.

Be kind to yourself, ultimately, because what you don't want to do is crash and burn so hard that you can't get back up.