Building A Formula For Your Neurodivergent Mask

When you think about masking, what comes to your mind?

Interviews, jobs, being in high stress social situations, or in rare situations, places that aren't exhausting and aren't overwhelming.

If you thought I was weird to talk about masking in places that aren't stressful, you wouldn't be wrong about that.

Masking is typically used in situations where you are expected to behave, act, or talk in a way that

has some sort of structure around it, where you typically know you have to behave a certain way in an interview, at a wedding, in a social gathering, at a networking event.

There is an unspoken or spoken decorum for how you are meant to act.

And sometimes for neurodivergent people, myself included, we may have to act counter to a way that we naturally want to act or behave.

And when we want to do something differently than how we

actually want to behave, that difference is called masking.

It is a literal term for when we put on a mask in front of our faces to behave, to talk, or to do in a way that sometimes contradicts and conflicts with what we actually want to

do and what we actually want to say.

I have masked almost my entire life in one way, form.

Masking can be something silly.

It can be something like, need to act a certain way to get what I want from something.

I need to be a little bit more pushy to do something or be a little bit more assertive or aggressive.

In those rare situations when I have the ability to act in a way that is not normal to me, but I can pull this feeling out of the sky, masking can be beneficial.

But it is not always the case that masking benefits people.

Masking is often an exhausting feeling for me and it is especially draining for neurodivergent people and Nobody knows this better than neurodivergent people and their

loved ones and their family and their friends Many times I have come home from long days and long weeks of in-person networking conferences and events I go to my hotel room and I

Pass out.

I need to self-regulate.

I need to recharge my social battery

The last thing that I want to do is go to a big dinner or go to a big gathering afterwards because I am just emotionally shot and drained.

That's the cost of masking.

What does that actually take you?

What is the investment that you have to put in to actually put up this facade for a few hours during the day?

Everyone's cost to them masking takes different shapes.

It has different side effects to them and the people around them.

A couple weeks ago, I spent the entire week doing social event after social event after social event, not even things for work, just things that I was doing in my free time.

And those events take a lot of energy from me being very social, being very outgoing, introducing people to each other, playing a good host and really being

far more socially outgoing than I am used to.

And Friday night when the week was over, I went home, I went down to the basement and I played video games.

A very de-stressful activity for me, even if I'm playing violent video games that might look to be explosive and annoying, but help me turn my brain off, as I like to call it.

I am recharging my social battery, I'm getting my spoons back.

Where I'm going with all of this is that the cost for everybody looks different for neurodivergent people to mask.

Everyone has a different input.

What is the cost or the expense that you have to pay to actually put up the mask?

And then what is on the other side of that?

How do you actually recharge?

How do you get your social battery back?

And in the middle of that, what is your equilibrium?

What is your neutral state at where you're not masking outwardly?

but you are also aware of your behavior and you are conscious of your decisions, your actions and your behavior.

I don't want to say that there is this extreme where you're either always masking or you're always not masking.

There is a middle ground in which Neurodivergent folks can be aware of their actions, aware of their choices, but not feel as though they have to contort what they are saying

or distort.

the way that they would do things if it would contradict how they'd actually behave and what they would actually do.

It's perfectly natural for us to understand what is it that the situation is actually asking me to do and does that actually align with what I want to do?

And often it is the case that yes, this scenario where I am being expected to behave in a certain way aligns with how I'd actually behave and what I'd actually do.

But that isn't always the case.

Sometimes what my brain wants to do, which can be a little bit impulsive, it can be a little bit stubborn, is going to contradict what the situation.

demands of me to do.

That could be something a little bit more surface level, like you have to go do this thing for your family.

You know that you don't want to, but you have an intrinsic moral and ethical knowledge that this is important to go and do.

And you also care about these people and you recognize that this is important to you.

That's not masking.

That is a part of your set of morals and your ethics.

You may mask in the social party and you might have to talk to people who you haven't seen in a while.

ask them how are you, how is your family, how are your pets.

You may find yourself asking questions or engaging in conversations that may be foreign to you that you will not intrinsically bring up normally.

It has been said about me in many social situations that I will go into a party, I'll go into an event, knowing the right questions to ask, but sometimes phrasing them in a way

where it feels very formulaic.

I know that I have to ask somebody, how are you?

How is your significant other?

How is your family?

How is everything?

And in my mind, I am literally going through a checklist of things that I know that I have to ask.

It feels like a template that I am following, a checklist of questions that I am asking them in conversation that I am engaging in.

And this is true.

I'm guilty of it.

I'm not gonna lie.

And that's okay.

That's totally okay for neurodivergent people, for autistic people, for ADHDers, for whoever it is to have a structure that they can follow to minimize the cost that it takes

for them to engage in situations that might feel unorthodox or might feel stressful to them.

It's okay to have guardrails.

There's nothing wrong with that.

And yes, it might look to people as though you are following a list in your mind, but that also helps you literally function in that situation and not feel alienated from people

around you.

I have definitely gone to weddings, work events, conferences, and I have to consciously remember to ask people, how are you?

How is this project you're doing?

How is work?

I very much enumerate the list in my head before going into a conversation, knowing that I, in being in this conversation, need to engage in somebody and make them feel welcomed

and not make it all about me and I wanna make them feel welcomed and I wanna make them feel like I care about them.

Then there's that balance.

It's like, well, if you're masking, do you actually care about them?

And then there's this balance.

It's like, well, if you're going through this list of questions, do you actually care about them?

Are these questions coming up organically?

Are you following the same list for everybody?

And you could go on forever, like battling with yourself and trying to combat these fears and doubts that you are fighting against yourself with this structure.

But we do good in structure.

We do good when we understand what do we actually have to do here?

what is the responsible thing to do, and what parts of the equation are in play for me to get to the outcome that I want.

If I'm at a networking event and I know that I need to talk to somebody, I know that part of that equation means I need to make sure this person knows that I care about them, that

I want to care about their success, their future, whatever that is, that I want to have a relationship with them beyond simply what I am getting out of this.

I recognize the components to that equation from a very low level.

And then I ask myself, okay, what do I have to put into that equation to get close to the output that I want out of it?

And praising it as an equation implies that the output is always the same, that its consistency in the delivery is always going to be the same.

That's not the case.

Humans work in very strange ways and everybody works in a really weird behavior.

what you're going to get in a situation and what comes out of it might not always be exactly the same from two different people because what they put into the equation is

going to vary a lot.

Even if your delivery, even if your questions, even if your behavior is spot on consistent from person to person to person that you talk to.

There's the other part of the equation, is what do the other people put into that?

What do they want?

What do they care about in the situation for them to feel as though they're getting what they want from you?

Let's say it's an networking event again, and you need to talk to somebody to get a phone call with them, to get an introduction to somebody else.

Maybe you want a job referral.

Maybe you need some help with something with a project you're doing and you need something from them.

It helps to understand from their level, what do they want out of that equation?

And what can you put into that to make it as easy for them as possible and more as consistent for you as possible to understand?

What are those steps?

What are those ingredients?

And how are you actually going to feel confident and really, really good?

that this is going to go well for you.

It would be so simple if every single individual had the same set of social needs and desires that you know exactly what each person needs in order to feel that sense of

welcoming, of peace, and that there's this social connection that you are providing.

But people don't work that way.

When you think about building your mask, you want to think about the parts of it that are going to resonate most other people that still have the least amount of cost or investment

to you.

And there are ways you can do this that don't actually require a lot of behaving differently.

Let's say it's possible for you to do a lot of research about a scenario upfront.

You can do research, investigation, homework into a situation, into a person, into a company to understand from your angle what is the smartest and least amount of work that I

have to do to put into this mask that will require the least of me when I am done.

There's a term, work smart, not hard.

I know so many incredible neurodivergent people who work really hard, but don't always work smart because they are putting in significant amounts of effort, but that effort

isn't being applied in the most intelligent and most sensitive ways to their mental health, to the way that they mask in the world.

It's so easy to want to work hard, but the only thing that's actually harder than that is understanding the components to that, taking a step back and asking yourself,

What actually has to happen here?

What is the outcome I'm trying to drive in this socialist scenario?

And where am I going with this?

What's the point?

And can I change what I'm doing versus just working harder to actually arrive at that outcome with a higher quality, with a higher confidence, with a greater assurance that I

did this correctly?

You can literally build your mask in a way that takes in intelligent components and thoughtful design to make it easy and a lot less painful for you to go about your day, to

go about this scenario, the situation in ways that helps you feel confident that you have what you need to be successful here.

Whether that is a specific situation with a person, whether that is a hours long event you're doing, or whether it is a one time thing.

You have to understand and reflect to yourself, what does it cost you?

What do you need to put into this?

What are you going to get out of it?

And then how do you recover?

Interviewing is one very, very long series of multiple different times you have to mask.

It's one of the most prolific scenarios that I can think of and that is out there about masking.

And believe it or not, you can make your time with masking and interviews a lot easier by doing some research upfront about a company, about people, about the technology, so that

you can feel more confident that you understand the organization.

that you know what you're being asked to do, that you can develop your mask, you can develop the way you are going to act and behave in a way that feels comfortable, that

feels confident.

Maybe not perfectly at an emotional equilibrium, but still feels like you are able to operate and behave in a way that is relaxing to an extent.

Say you're interviewing at a software company and you can look up in advance, what are the programming languages that this company works with?

What languages should I study for this interview?

If one company uses React.js and another uses Angular, you can be pretty confident that a React-based company is not going to ask you about Angular or Vue or Ember or other

technologies.

Conversely, if you know a...

organization does most of their backend in Java Spring, that will be a very helpful for you to know in an interview should it come up.

And learning Python probably isn't necessary.

And on an even higher level, many organizations have credos, they have impact statements, they have mission statements, other parts of how they do business that are very important

to understand in an interview that only serve to benefit you if you discuss them.

if you make it a part of their interview.

Here's a real example.

When I was at Cornell, I was doing a lot of internship interviews.

I did a lot of interviews and for one company in particular, I had applied, I sent my resume out there, and then I was like added to the B list for the interviews.

I was like, if someone else canceled, I could take their spot.

I'm like, okay, great.

I'm like on the number two list.

I'm probably not gonna get this.

But I'm like, okay, I wanna do some homework on this company.

I wanna understand what are they going to ask me about?

What is actually going to happen here?

And let's see what comes up.

I researched the company's name.

I looked into their mission statement, the type of product that they work with, their industry.

And I said, okay, they have an important philosophy called a credo in this case.

That was their term for it.

And it was an important facet of how they...

did business with their customers, with their clients, with other organizations.

And this was a very foundational part of the interview.

this was a very foundational part of the organization.

And I said, okay, I know that I can make this credo an important part of my interview questions and answers so that they know that I have actually done my homework and my

research.

That dramatically lowers the bar for me as far as the amount of investment that I have to make in advance.

That dramatically reduces the tension in the room because it shows to this organization that I'm taking this seriously.

And I did all of this research before I even sat down for the interview.

I was preparing my mask for the possible questions that they could ask me and coming prepared with answers that I felt I was very confident were going to help resonate with

the interviewers and the HR recruiters.

Lo and behold, I show up for the interview.

We talk about some tech, we talk about some

HR, tell me about a time when questions.

And then we get to towards end of the interview when I asked me, why do you want to work for this company?

And I talk about, talking about the credo, talking about this is an important part for how you do business.

And I think it resonates with me a lot.

And I really want to do that.

And they're like, we interviewed like 30 people today and you're the only person who talked about that, that really lands with us.

And it dramatically lowered the temperature in the room.

I could feel it.

It's like.

someone put on the AC in the room.

I'm like, wow, this landed for this company.

And I want to say too, that's not going to work with every company.

But I did do that on multiple other occasions and multiple interviews where I actually did my homework and said, okay, what is this company doing?

What's the point?

And how can I feed that into my interview prep to make the recruiter like me, to make the interviewer like me?

If they like you, if you're having a good time, that

allows you to unmask a little bit more, to be more natural, to be a little bit more authentic.

Because you're not wearing your stiff collar and tie for no reason.

You're doing this because they have something that you want.

You want an internship or you want a job.

And the easier you make it for them to want to give you that offer, the better.

I ended up getting an internship offer from this organization because I resonated with them and I...

masked enough to the point where they understood that I knew what I was talking about.

I was able to focus the parts of my mask on the questions that mattered.

I answered the technical questions the way that they wanted me to.

Not a lot of masking has to be done there.

Either I answered the questions correctly or I didn't.

And when I delivered the parts of the question about the credo, I had practiced those questions in advance.

Did it feel robotic?

Did it feel recorded?

Maybe.

And I will admit to that.

I will admit to having practiced the answer to that question, why do you want to work for this company several times, at least a few dozen times?

But because I felt confident in the delivery of that question and because I saw that the actual answer landed with this organization, that resonated.

That made it easier for me.

And going forward, I would actually incorporate that behavior, that style of interviewing.

into much of my future interviews where I try to front load the masking before I even sit down for the interview.

I will practice.

I will try to understand what I'm being asked on research questions in advance.

And I will try to become as confident as I can be leading up to the interview so that when I actually show up, I feel confident.

I feel like I am as relaxed as I can be.

Will I ever feel totally relaxed in an interview?

Probably not.

Interviews are meant to be stressful situations, especially for people like us.

But what I can do is construct my mask in advance such that I feel a little more confident, a little more comfortable, and I have mechanisms that enable me to feel like I

know what's going on here.

I know what's being asked of me.

That way, if they drop a bomb out of the sky for a question I'm not prepared for,

I at least have some way to get it under control.

What you don't want to happen is that you approach a scenario or a question that completely shatters your mask and makes it fall apart.

You need to be able to maintain a level of comfort and peace in maintaining that mask, at least get through the situation where you need it for.

And it helps to think smartly and intelligently about what do you actually need the mask for?

Where can you apply yourself?

Can you do things in advance of the situation?

to make the mask a lot less costly to wear.

Coming up with questions to ask people in a scenario, knowing what you might be asked in an interview, understanding things that could be said to you, said about you, things may

be expected to do.

At a corporate event, you're gonna be doing a lot of networking, you're doing a lot of schmoozing, you gotta sit with people, you gotta talk with them.

Knowing that that is going to happen and being able to practice and prepare for it,

is going to help you feel much more ready to take on a situation.

If you are in a social setting, say you're at a wedding or a party or something else, it helps to know what might you be expected to do at a wedding, at a party, and feeling

confident that you can operate in a situation.

You don't have to operate perfectly.

Almost nobody ever does.

But you do need to be able to

maintain the mask in a way that feels like you're applying it in the right ways and you're putting the most amount of pressure and thought into the scenarios that you know could

really come back to bite you if it collapses.

If you are most worried about talking to strangers in a networking event, it may help to practice that.

It may help to stimulate that environment so that when it does happen for real, you're not completely caught off guard in that scenario.

The way you build your mask looks very different from person to person.

And if you don't know how to build your own mask, try it for yourself and see what happens.

Try different things.

Try practicing different things.

Try seeing what happens if you do a lot of research into questions and spend less time on the quorum or when you spend less time on something else.

It helps to experiment and find what works for you because your mask is yours.

Nobody can take it from you.

Nobody can tell you how to define it.

I'm only making recommendations here.

I'm not telling you what to do.

So if you take this as literal instruction, please caveat all of this with this as

recommendations and advice from somebody who is a professional masker for lack of a better term.